Someone once said that the most significant decision you will ever make, after accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior, is choosing who you will marry. Reflect for a moment on the day you met your spouse—the first conversation, the spark of connection, and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to stay with this person forever. I remember the first time I met Steve. I was ushering at a wedding, focused on checking the guest list, completely unaware of him. But he noticed me. Toward the end of the wedding, he came over to introduce himself, and that marked the beginning of our beautiful journey together. I remember how we could talk for hours, deeply connecting in a way that felt almost unreal. In the early days of a relationship, everything feels exhilarating, and you’re filled with excitement and anticipation at every moment.
Now, fast forward to the day you walked down the aisle. Remember the emotions the night before—nervous excitement, hope, and the thought of spending forever with your best friend. Then, the morning comes, and your forever begins. At the end of that long day, you retreat to your home or hotel room with one person: your spouse.
Marriage is a journey shared solely with your spouse. Whether at a marriage retreat or in the day-to-day rhythm of life, it’s always just the two of you at the end of the day.
The Reality vs. The Hollywood Dream
Hollywood often paints a picture of marriage as eternal bliss, a "happily ever after" that requires little effort. While it’s true that a good marriage can feel like an unending high, Hollywood leaves out the crucial detail—it takes work to get there. Marriage is ordained by God:
"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
—Genesis 2:24-25 (NIV)
This is the first reference to marriage in the Bible, and if you continue reading into Genesis 3, you’ll find the introduction of sin. What’s noteworthy is that even after sin enters the world, the Bible does not retract its reference to marriage. In His infinite wisdom, God is showing us that two sinful people can indeed be married. Marriage doesn’t erase the sin in our hearts; instead, it challenges us to work on this union despite our sinful nature. It is, after all, a union between two sinners, and two sinners cannot successfully navigate life, raise children, or grow together without putting in the effort. Everything about marriage requires work. So, the question is: Are you working on your marriage?
Keys to a Healthy Marriage
- Keep God at the Center
As we’ve seen, God is the author of marriage, and this means we cannot navigate it on our own. We must consistently bring our hearts before God, asking Him to mold them into hearts receptive to His guidance.
"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
—Ephesians 5:21-29, 31-33 (NIV)
This scripture highlights one of God’s commands, a command we cannot fulfill in our own strength. We must strive to hear God’s voice, pray for our spouses, and seek God’s guidance in our marriages. We cannot do it alone, but thankfully, the author of marriage is ready to help us on this journey.
- Intentionally Put Your Spouse First
Once married, it’s easy to become distracted—by work, children, friends, ministry, or entertainment. Investing in these areas often feels easier than investing in your marriage. After all, your job doesn’t require you to expose your flaws, nor does your ministry. But your spouse sees you fully, flaws and all, and that can be daunting. So, we often run—from the hard conversations, the vulnerability, the work.
But what if we stopped running and truly started working on our marriages? What if we put as much effort into our marriages as we do into our careers? Could it be that we’d see the same growth and success? Marriage requires effort, and while it can be exhausting, it also pushes us to become better versions of ourselves. For me, one of the most enlightening areas has been intimacy. There are times when I may not be in the right headspace for it, but in those moments, God has reminded me that it’s not about me—it’s about Steve and meeting his needs. Marriage has given me the opportunity to live out the scripture:
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."
—Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)
It’s a powerful reminder that it is better to give than to receive. In marriage, only death ends the bond. Divorce may end parts of it, but the connection lasts forever. I’m always reminded that each moment I put my spouse first, I am making a deposit in our forever. So, has God been nudging you to put your spouse first? Will you obey Him today?
- Be Intentional About Having Fun Together
Once married, we often stop doing the things that initially brought us together—date nights, volunteering, and shared hobbies tend to fall by the wayside. Our conversations become routine, centered around managing the home and raising children. Slowly, our marriages can start to feel dull.
However, being intentional about having fun together can transform your relationship. Steve and I have made a commitment to attend at least one marriage retreat per year. We also make it a point to plan getaways together, where we stay in different hotels and do something fun while we're there. Additionally, we’re intentional about having movie nights together because we both love movies. These activities have been crucial in helping us feel closer to each other. They remind us that life doesn’t have to be mundane. Doing fun things together can rekindle the joy and connection, reminding you of why you married your spouse. It shifts your perspective of your spouse from merely a partner to a friend, and sometimes, walking with a friend is easier than walking with a partner.
Conclusion: The Work of Marriage
These tips are just a starting point—there’s much more you can do, from improving communication to working on intimacy and building a supportive community. Marriage is the only institution designed to mirror Christ and the church, meaning it was never meant to be easy. But we are not alone; God is intent on walking this journey with us. If we don’t put in the work, our marriages will fail. So, I ask you today—will you put in the work?
I've dedicated myself to working on my marriage, and I've seen the fruits of that labor. In light of this, I've designed a Marriage Health Check Tool that has been invaluable to me on this journey. You can find it by clicking here. It can be helpful in assessing the state of your marriage as you start or continue the journey of growing your marriage.