When I first got married, I believed my husband would be my everything. I wanted him beside me at all times, my best friend, my partner in every moment, my constant companion. I imagined a life where we did everything together. But it didn’t take long to learn that marriage isn’t about being inseparable in every way, emotionally or financially.
I learned the hard way that God uses marriage to grow us individually. As I sat down with my friend Elizabeth who put it so beautifully, "We want the blessing, but we don’t want the process it comes with." And it’s true, so many of us want the joys of marriage without embracing the work it demands. We're called to be helpers, not fixers. In those early days, I pushed for instant change and immediate refined solutions, overnight transformations. My husband had lived his life a certain way, just as I had lived mine. Change doesn’t happen overnight. God wants to sanctify us gradually, shaping us into who we are meant to be. And often, we project our strengths onto our spouses, expecting them to naturally excel in the areas we do. But that’s not realistic. Sanctification takes time. God was working on both of us.
Men, in particular, want to be needed but they also need space to grow into their roles. Being a wife isn’t about doing everything yourself; it’s about allowing your husband to take responsibility for what he’s meant to handle while remembering that you are a team.
I’ve learned to go to God first in communication. He is the primary one I confide in, share my joys with, and process my frustrations before anything else. As a wife, this has become part of my assignment maintaining a personal relationship with God while ensuring I continue to show up better in my marriage.
Another mistake I have seen is around intimacy, so let's talk sex because it's real. Men love it, and many wives exploit it, withholding it for weeks or months as punishment. The Bible encourages agreement in intimacy, and when neglected, the enemy can use it as a weapon. Instead, love your husband actively, intentionally, and consistently. Compliment him. Encourage him. Celebrate him. Make your marriage a safe space where love flows freely.
One of the other most common mistakes wives make is losing themselves entirely in marriage. They focus only on motherhood or their role as a wife and forget their identity. Before you are a wife or a mother, you are a person. Your husband fell in love with you as a person, your personality, your quirks, your hobbies, your independence. Maintaining that identity enriches your marriage more than anything else. Don't ditch that!
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Reclaim your joy solo: Learn to enjoy your own company. Do things you love, grow as an individual.
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Keep the spark alive: Go on dates, hit the spa, nurture hobbies. Stay the woman he married or got to know at first.
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Balance it all: Motherhood and marriage are beautiful, but they're not your whole identity.
Marriage thrives when you're whole on your own. God designed it that way. If you're feeling stuck, start small, pray first, pursue your passions, and love without expectations. Your story (and your husband's) is still unfolding. And also it is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, intentionality, and a willingness to grow both individually and together. Embrace the process, celebrate the small victories, and remember that love is an ongoing assignment, not a one-time achievement. I often find myself asking God, how can I honor you in this season of my life?
If this resonates with you and you’d like to hear the full, unfiltered conversation where these reflections came from, I shared it in depth on my YouTube channel. We talk honestly about the mistakes, lessons and the processes God uses to shape us through it all. This blog captures the heart of it but the full conversation brings even more context and wisdom. I’d love for you to join me there Mistakes wives make in marriage.